I know all of my dear friends have been following our journey as we raised money to go though a private adoption. We did fundraisers and saved every penny. Many of you prayed us through when we thought we were getting twins and then the birth mother just disappeared. We wondered what God was doing. Then came the idea to become foster parents…. and with it a multitude of misconceptions. Let me share {and dispel} them now:
1.) You have absolutely no say in who they put in your home. ~ This couldn’t be further from the truth. Each family has the choice to accept each time they call you with a child that needs a home or a placement as they call it. You always have a say. As part of the licensing process, they will actually ask if you have preferences on gender, race, and age. They will only call you with a child that meets your specifications if you choose to have any. They give you a voice. It’s up to you if you use it.
2.) The government will be in charge of your whole life if you foster. ~ As if they aren’t already, right? 😉 And I kid, I kid. The government will have a role if you choose to foster. There is a vetting process and, in the interest of complete honesty, it can be very personal, cumbersome {paperwork!!!}, and intrusive. No more so, I would say then if you went through a private adoption. They conduct background checks. They interview you multiple times in which there are personal questions. They require classes. You must be CPR certified. You have to have a physical done. They will check your home and make sure it has what they deem appropriate for child care {they provide you with a list}. But, the government pays for every class and every background check except your local one (which God paid for us! 🙂 ). You will only have to let go of a little bit of your privacy {which with social media and the Internet seems to be less and less of anyone’s concern nowadays} and will have to lose a little of your pride as you are evaluated and judged. But, a humbling never hurt anyone, right? 🙂 it was very good for me! They will come into your home and check on the child every month. They will tell you when the child has to be at court dates. They will tell you if the child needs to spend time with their birth families. But, other than that, they leave the rest of your life alone.
3.) On the flip side: The government won’t help you if you need it. Now, every social worker is different. Personalities come in all shapes and sizes. But, on the whole, we have been treated like we were a blessing. There is such a gigantic need, that they are thrilled to have people be foster families! They WILL do what they can to help you. Once you get a placement, you actually get monetary monthly help from the government. But I know, I have heard the horror stories. We had our own moments of the trying of our patience down to the very last little bit, but in the big picture, we were helped and guided through every step. Asking God to give you grace in the eyes of your case workers is the biggest prayer you will have if you choose to go through this as they will have the power to steer your journey. It would be nice if we could all sail through smoothly. But, I’ve realized the choppy waters have made me all the more thankful for my Anchor ~ my Solid Rock. ❤
We chose to be in the Foster To Adopt Program which means they will try to place with us children that have a higher probability of being adoptable. Birth parents do have the right to try to get the children that have been taken from them back, but they have to follow every court mandate given to them. They have about nine months to a year to comply. If they do not, their rights will be terminated. Then the child is adoptable. Once their rights have been terminated, we as the Foster family have first choice to adopt. We have chosen to only take babies ~ or if there is a sibling group, we will take them both only if they are under the age of three. That was our choice. It doesn’t have to be that way. There are thousands of children who need a home. Who need to be adopted. Who need a safe place. Who want to be hugged when they come home from school every day. Who want one night without crying themselves to sleep. Who want to hear the words “I love you” without it being followed up later with screaming, hitting, cursing, being burned with cigarettes, given alcohol in their bottles, or drugged with NyQuil to “shut them up for a minute”. Some just need a temporary home until out of town family can take them. Some just need to see what a real family can be like. There are many ways to help these children. The ones the Bible refers to as the fatherless.
When we were first approached with the idea to foster, I wanted nothing to do with it. I couldn’t even bear the thought of having a child in our home, starting to love it, and have it taken away. I insisted on a private adoption even if it took us years to raise the multiplied thousands of dollars it would take. Now that I look back, I can’t believe my selfishness. As I have sat through our Foster classes and heard the stories of what these children have to deal with on a daily basis, I was actually disgusted with myself that I was holding back my love from them simply because I was afraid of being hurt. Sure, it was ok for these children to be emotionally and physically abused every single day as long as I wasn’t going to get a broken heart! As long as I didn’t have to see it or deal with it! As long as my heart wasn’t going to get used up and “wasted”! I’m appalled at what my attitude was. It is the exact opposite of what Christ did. He literally sacrificed Himself just to give me the chance at being a part of His family. His heart was broken for millions who will never return His love. His love was used up and what we would call “wasted” on those who mock Him and hate the very sound of His name. Yet, He loves anyway. He still reaches out for them just to have His hand slapped back. He is the perfect picture of unselfish and sacrificial love.
And I will gladly take His outpouring love. I will soak up as much as I can! I ask Him to show me every day even though Calvary was enough to say I Love You for forever! I live each day on His mercy. I take every breath only by His sweet grace. Yet, I remain His spoiled selfish child. Content to be loved no matter how much it hurts Him. Refusing to love if it will even remotely hurt me. Until one day when I was reading Isaiah chapter one….
God was angry. Really, seriously angry. And He was angry with His children. His kids. He was tired of their sacrifices. He even told them He would not hear their prayers! There was sin among them. Their hearts weren’t right no matter how good they tried to look on the outside. So, He told them to wash themselves ~ to clean up their act, basically. To stop doing evil. Then He told them to learn to do well. And how could they do that? “seek judgment {wisdom, morality,}, relieve the oppressed {those burdened}, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.”
I think I had forgotten the basics of my faith. I really love singing in our huge church choir, but I didn’t want to lighten the burden of the homeless. I will throw my tithe in the offering plate, but won’t buy groceries for the family whose parents lost their jobs. I will put the fatherless children on my bus on Sunday, but don’t want them in my home Monday through Friday. I will tell the widow I’m praying for her, but I won’t clean her house for her. I’ll sit through a church service, but won’t let the Word of judgement, wisdom, and righteousness have any place in my daily routine. I’ll share the gospel with strangers on Saturday, but I won’t live like I am bought with a price and that Jesus is truly alive while I’m at home with my family every other day.
God really broke me. I looked up all of the times He mentioned the fatherless in the Bible {which is a lot, by the way}. I studied and studied. Then, after much prayer and counsel and my awesome husband telling me he thought we should Foster out of nowhere one day <sign from God!>, we started on the Foster journey. And as hard as it’s been at times, I’ve never felt like I’ve understood the heart of God more. I’m actually excited to love a child even if just for a moment. Even if it’s never understood or accepted. Even if I never hear “I love you, too,mommy!” Or “you’re the best mommy ever”. Because it’s not about that anymore. Adoption is no longer the means to that end. It’s not about me becoming a mom. It’s about judging the fatherless. Being that moral compass that’s so lacking for them. That constant fixed point of love always pointing to the Father that will never leave them. Never let them down. It’s about having that wisdom to know that showing them unconditional love for as long as you can is more important than not loving at all until you are guaranteed you can “keep” them. It’s about wanting them to look back one day, whether they spent 18 years with us or 18 days, and say “they loved me like Jesus loves me. And Jesus loves me. This I KNOW.”
If you’re thinking about fostering or adopting and need someone to talk to, PLEASE email me {jessmartin601@gmail.com }!!!!!!! Even if you have your own children, think about becoming a respite (temporary) home family. But especially if God has chosen for you to not be able have children ~ methinks God needed judges. Judges for the fatherless. So He chose YOU. Like I truly feel ~ with all my heart believe~ He chose us. 🙂 Don’t let fear stop you. Believe me, I understand the fear. I understand the ache of empty arms and the fear of having that hurt happen to you over and over if they take away “your” baby. I understand the fear of hurtful comments. The fear of people not understanding or judging. The fear of never feeling like you have your “own” kids or being told “too bad you couldn’t have “real” or “your own” kids”. The fear is genuine. It’s frightening. And it can be a paralyzing fear. But, the only thing that casts out fear is perfect love. And perfect doesn’t mean happy, white picket fence love. It means love like the Perfect One has. Mature Love. Love that has grown up and realized that the only love that makes a difference is painful, sacrificial, and completely selfless love.
It’s not an easy road. There was a cross at the end of Jesus’. But with that cross He paid to adopt us all. And so now there is a heaven ~ a home with Him ~ that awaits us when we get to lay our crosses down. ❤
~ Jessica 
**this is our story. How God worked in my stubborn heart to do something I didn’t want to do. I am in no way saying fostering is better than any type of adoption. Adoption is our goal and good in any and every form. 🙂 I’m just hoping God uses my story to encourage those who maybe shut down the idea to foster like I did for so long. I just wanted them to know that it IS doable, it IS an option, it IS worth it! Contact me with any questions!! 🙂
Living Redeemed 
LOVE!!! ❤ God is so good!